i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
