she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
