i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He? As in you personified your dick?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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