So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I love you.
Bad choice
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
