ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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