my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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