I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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