Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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