well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
