Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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