It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
