I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
