I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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