I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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