Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
