Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
