eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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