I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
