he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
