I just saw a hot homeless man
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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