My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
