Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
