So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
