Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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