come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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