I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
