I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
