Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
