do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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