Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
