I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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