She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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