I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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