Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
