Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
