I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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