If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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