Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
