I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
