It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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