Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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