i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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