My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
