So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
