So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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