Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Randomize
