Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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