During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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