there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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