It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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