do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
