I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
