She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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