Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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