then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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