you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
