Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
