Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
