Cold hands, warm shart.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
