I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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