I want you more than these girls want KFC
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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